New Rules For Employees

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS:  We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need  all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you  intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:  All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The  vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks  notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we  will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All  employees whose names  begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with  'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your  allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your  turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange,  in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:  Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they  can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a  balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for  lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet  pill.

DRESS CODE:  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If  we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume  you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an increase.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints,  frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,  accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed  elsewhere.