Lonely Hearts Column From Ministry Of Sound

ARE YOU AGED 18-30,female,slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and into politics? Then F**k off! I want a shit-thick 16 year old handbag bird with no opinions and massive tits!
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WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now!

ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all you valuables while you're out because we're thieving scally bastards.
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IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are f*cking trying to get some bastard sleep.
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ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the
black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control. Please write to me. I'd...ummmm...love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't worry, there’s nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm going to have a...ummm...a PARTY! Yes, that's it. A party.
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WANTED: COCAINE Lots of it.
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ARE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you.
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