Another Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, Yes, but not right now.

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday...

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know? I said, Heck no, why? Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep...

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. Suppose you are in a space bus traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights--what happens?" He said, "How should I know?" I said, "Forget it, I don't want to work for you."

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, 'Yes, I'll take it.' I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, 'You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years.' I said, 'Why did you take such a long time off?' He said, 'I was in prison. Want to know why?' I said, 'Not really...Well, okay, you better tell me why.' He said, 'I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel.' I said, 'I remember you.'

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.'

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.'

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded maybe. I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, No further questions.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

Hermits have no peer pressure.