Misc. Funny Quotes [unattributed].

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. 

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Old is when the porn movie you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don’t pick that up, you don't know where it's been