Last Page Of Steven Wright Quotes

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I'm going to buy some sugar.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.