Steven Wright Quotes

The waitress said they served breakfast at any time, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance.

Scattered showers my ass. -- Noah

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Newsflash - Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.