-
...When your friends compliment you on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
-
...When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just
holds you up to the light.
-
...When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door nearest you.
-
...When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
-
...When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and
you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
-
...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
-
...When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
-
...You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection
becomes an annual semi-erection!
-
...You and your teeth don't sleep together.
-
...Your back goes out, but you stay home.
-
...You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
-
...It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
-
...Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
-
...Happy hour is a nap.
-
...When you step off a curb and look down one more time to
make sure that the street is still there.
-
...Your idea of weight lifting is standing up
-
...It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
...Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
-
...The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
-
...It takes twice as long to look half as good.
-
...The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun
on your bifocals.
-
...You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then
find that they were on your head all the time.
-
...You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and
you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
-
...You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel
good.
-
...You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you
don't care any more.
-
...You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
-
...You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad
memory.
-
...You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't
even remember being on top of it.
-
...You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off
a metal detector.
-
...Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all
the historical sites are younger than you are.
-
...Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
-
...You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the
mall and forget where I parked my car.
-
...Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your
multi-vitamin.
-
...Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning
to pay off.
-
...It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to
stick.
-
...If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't
have time to hurt you.
-
...People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
-
...Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
-
...Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable
size.
-
...Your eyes won't get much worse.
-
...Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
-
...Things you buy now won't wear out.
-
...No one expects you to run into a burning building.
-
...There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
-
...Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather
Service.
-
...In a hostage situation you are likely to be released
first.
-
...You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up
and helps you cross your legs.
-
...You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group
of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
-
...Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and
you're wearing a bikini.
-
...You start video taping daytime game shows.
-
...You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
-
...At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
-
...Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
-
...Conversations with people your own age often turn into
"dueling ailments."
-
...It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
-
...You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and
go for the rocker.
-
...You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
-
...You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
-
...You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
-
...You look both ways before crossing a room.
-
...You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is
gravity.
-
...You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of
bread USED to cost.
-
...You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture
show did when you were growing up.
-
...Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
-
...Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you
got your last promotion.
-
...The clothes you've put away until they come back in
style... come back in style.
-
...All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
-
...The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
-
...You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
-
...Your back goes out more than you do.
-
...You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who
walks into the room.
-
...You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
-
...You are proud of your lawn mower.
-
...Your best friend is dating someone half their age and
isn't breaking any laws.
-
...Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
-
...You sing along with the elevator music.
-
...You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-
...You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-
...You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
-
...You consider coffee one of the most important things in
life.
-
...You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-
...Neighbors borrow your tools.
-
...People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-
...You have a dream about prunes.
-
...You send money to PBS.
-
...The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of
your pants.
-
...You take a metal detector to the beach.
-
...You wear black socks with sandals.
-
...You know what the word "equity" means.
-
...You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.
-
...Your ears are hairier than your head.
-
...You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to
someone's lawn.
-
...You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-
...You got cable for the weather channel.
-
...You can go bowling without drinking.
-
...You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
-
...Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't
work.
-
...You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been
anywhere.
-
...Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
-
...Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
-
...Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
-
...You look forward to a dull evening.
-
...Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
-
...You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
-
...You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
-
...You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes
and all bran.
-
...You finally got your head together, now your body is
falling apart.
-
...You don't remember being absent minded.
-
..."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a
laxative.
-
...Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
-
...Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
