|
Twelve Days Of Christmas
14th December Dearest Darling John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for
the lovely thought. With deep affection, You're ever loving Agnes.
-------------------------------- 15th December My Dearest Darling John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I
am delighted, they are adorable. All my love, Agnes
----------------------------------- 16th December Dearest Darling John, Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve
such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind. You're loving Agnes
---------------------------------- 17th December Dear John What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the
Postman
this morning. Your kindness really is too much. Love Agnes
--------------------------------- 18th December My Dear John What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One
for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves. Love Agnes.
--------------------------------- 19th December Dear John When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody
great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you
think
I can do with them all? The neighbors are beginning to complain about
the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop. Cordially yours, Agnes
---------------------------------- 20th December What is it with you and these f***ing birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke? The
house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous
wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f***ing birds !!! Agnes.
---------------------------------- 21st December OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to
do
with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I
have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long. F**K OFF !!!!!!! Agnes.
---------------------------------- 22nd December Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I
have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play....When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep
chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are
treading all over the f***ing birds !!! The neighbors are threatening to
have
me evicted. Agnes.
---------------------------------- 23rd December You are a f***ing bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How
on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're
pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has
just declared the building unfit for human habitation. F**K OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!
--------------------------------- 24th December Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk
again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and
resorting
to
committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting
having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you c**t. Your sworn enemy, Agnes.
--------------------------------- 25th December You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve f***ing drummers, banging their f***ing drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows
and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have to saved myself
from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f***ing pear tree
which has been well fertilized by all this shit and has now grown through
the roof !!!!! Big hairy bollocks to you, Agnes. |
