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An Announcement From Santa
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due
to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk
and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of
milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and
pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...
"when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty." 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth
Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under
the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If
You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209) |
