Classic Bar One Liners

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He hands the bartender three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up an says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.................................................................................................................................................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."