Five  More Of The Worst

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

I have a pet lizard. I call him Tiny because he's my newt.